Now let’s get down to the big stuff…I know I’ve never been in love. I know this to be 100% true…
Sex for me in a relationship has always been a bit ‘meh’. I’ve been told it’s because I just haven’t been comfortable, or with the right guy, but I was in a four-year relationship and I honestly don’t know how it lasted that long. He was a bit boring in all things life, he didn’t want to try anything, and I guess I never pushed in that way. I think it’s because deep down I knew we were never going to work, and I should have ended it sooner. Four years sooner.
I did love the guy, but I was never, for a lack of a better term, in love. After three years I fell pregnant while on the pill, so always be extra careful ladies, they are not a hundred percent. I then sadly miscarried at six weeks, found out on my twelve-week scan. At the time I was devastated. I cried in ways I never knew I could, or ever would. My ex wanted kids so bad after this. So, for a whole year we tried again. At first because of what I went through I wanted it too, or at least I thought I did. Within that year I started to open my eyes and I was praying for it not to happen, I needed to get out. Thankfully it never did, and I got to walk away. He was a great guy. He just wasn’t ‘my’ great guy.
Even though it was the most painful experience of my life, I was glad for it to have happened. For one, I wasn’t ready for kids, I was too young. And Two, it made me stronger. I wonder if I even want kids at all anymore. I truly believe things happen for a reason, and if I did have my little nugget I know I would have stayed in a loveless relationship and been miserable.
It’s been nearly five years since I have spoken to this ex and I’ve heard he’s started a family now. At first, because of everything we went through, I was a bit gutted. Wanting kids or not, I was jealous. Not because I wanted him, but I wanted a part of that life. Now though, I am happy for him. He got what he wanted, there is no point being jealous or sad about something I didn’t or don’t want.
I have had two big relationships in my life, and it went from one extreme to the other. My second, which lasted two years, was a controlling cheating dick!
At the time I didn’t see it. I was blind, not by love. I knew that, but by the idea of something different. If it was different, it was right, because the last was so wrong. But I was so wrong…
He would get into fights with me every chance he got. Accused me of cheating with all my friends and co-workers, while all the time he was doing that to me! Now I’m not saying this is everyone, but from my experiences. If they are accusing you of doing something repeatedly, then they are most likely doing it themselves!
Up until the point I found out, which was done on social media by the way…yay for me. I didn’t see that anything was wrong. I kicked him out and finally saw it all for what it was. Controlling and a mess, belittling, and him making me feel so shit about myself, I hated who I was. I became something I wasn’t. I cried and talked about it with my friends. I cried for months. It took me a long time to realise that one, he was a complete dick, and two, we were definitely not happy.
For a while now I’ve been happy being me. I’ve never really been on my own until now, so it is so nice to have such a clear head lately.
….So, onto my dreams.
I have always had these very vivid dreams. I enjoy telling my best friend about them every morning when I pick him up for work. He always gives me this weirdo look, but I like to think he enjoys hearing them…HA! Maybe not…
At the moment I seem to be having this weird obsession with Chris Evans. Good old Captain America. Normally I dream about different people every night. All my friends and family, random people I’ve met, movie and TV stars. Everyone, male, female. I have a good old time in my dreams. My main man for a very long time has been Tom Hardy, yummy, Bob Morley from The 100 is a beautiful man too. Now, I’m not just talking sexual dreams here. Most of the time I’m just doing random mundane things. Going to work, starting a business, having tea, shopping. Just living my life. Every night my “cast” usually change and mix up a bit. These parts of my dreams haven’t changed.
The only part that has is Chris. For about a month now I started dreaming about him, ALL THE DAMN TIME! Every night, which is just a strange feeling for me, to have the same recurring “character” that isn’t my actual friends, and people I actually know.
So, before we all start getting creeped out. No, I don’t think I am in love with someone I’ve never met, and no, I’m not going to chase him down or stalk him. Everybody can calm down!
I’ve seen and obsessed over all the Marvel films for years now. I mean one, I’m a huge geek, and two, who hasn’t?…but, I never really noticed Chris like that before. Even though Captain America: The First Avenge is pretty much my all-time favourite Marvel film! Of course, I thought he was hot, but Sebastian Stan was the guy I looked for throughout those movies, or Jeremy Renner in the other Avengers ones.
However, are you ready for the actual crazy?
In my mind Tom Hardy, Bob Morley, Jeremy Renner and Sebastian Stan have always been these bad guys. The mystery guys, the ones that are untouchable, and of course, (once again in my mind, because I don’t actually know these people and I’m dreaming…) Chris is the good guy. He’s sweet, funny and doesn’t pressure me. He’s respectful and easy going, and always makes me laugh.
With this, I’ve concluded that I’m basically done with bullshit, even my own.
I feel like Chris, for me, means I don’t want the drama any more. I don’t want the messing about. I’ve been scared for a while now, I’ve been scared of being me. Scared to lose my friends, scared to let people be close to me.
You see, that dickhead ex really did me in…messing with people’s minds just really isn’t cool!
But I’m done with those guys who must make a game out of everything. I not asking for boring. I just want the fun! The funny, the happy, the don’t take everything so serious. The comfortable, the easy, the one who’s there for me. The person that doesn’t make me frightened of myself and my feelings. For me, in my mind remember, because no one lives up to your imagination, that’s good old Chris Evans…*Sigh*
…my brain really is a crazy place, isn’t it!
Peace and love beautiful people…may the good dreams come true.